December 30, 2007

Sunday, December 30, 2007 6:26:06 AM

Yesterday was an interesting day. I was able to start the day getting a lot of planning done with respect to my future schedule. I was pretty happy with what I came up with. Like a set of cloths that looks good on the rack I will need to try it on to know if it is as comfortable and nice as it looks. The schedule allocates a default of 38 hours of work a week which I think will be plenty if I am working on the right things. I tried to use what I had learned from uncle Erik about using a 3 day cycle of 1 day administrative, 1 day execution and 1 day recharge. 

It is amazing to me how much does not fit into a week. It is pretty obvious to me looking at the schedule why I am not currently getting to my journal on a regular basis or exercising on a regular basis. I am not sure I will really need an hour nap every day especially after I get exercising on a regular basis but I want to leave the nap in there because it is the kind of thing that will give me a nice buffer to prevent burn out and keep my efficiency up. It may also easily turn into my journaling time although I may also push journaling into morning prep.

Mike Owens came over yesterday to show me the tool blender. It is used for creating 3D images. Blender also has a game engine. I was very impressed with the tool. It left me quite confused because it made it seem tempting to believe that I would be able to develop a 3D game with a lot less effort than I had originally anticipated. It also looked like a nice way to develop graphics. I will admit that I am a little worried about relying on a freeware tool because it seems that a lot of times the freeware tools do not have their seams covered as well as commercial products. I was disappointed to learn that After Effects was not a commercial version of Blender. I was very overwhelmed as I tried to figure out how to do things in After Effects. I also started to wonder about the wisdom of paying $2500 for software when I may be able to get software for free that would do the same thing. The truth is that it doesn’t do the same thing it is just that After Effects is a lot more video focused than 3D object focused. I think Photo Shop has some 3D modeling capability as does illustrator but I don’t think they offer what I saw in blender. With that said there isn’t a reason I can’t use blender in parallel to what I do in other programs. What has me overwhelmed right now is that I feel like I need to have mastery of several programs which I do not. I just need to slow down and accept that it will take me time to learn the software and acquire some new skills that I do not currently have.

Acquiring new skills is a large part of my objective in changing my endeavor however I don’t want to get caught in the trap of always learning and never doing. I think my project schedule will help keep me balanced in this point. I am going to make a learning project which will allow me several hours to get familiar with each program and each concept as well as a couple of learning projects.

Lexie and I have been yelling at the kids way too much lately. I think it is because we are feeling more and more stress as the day to leave gets closer and closer but it doesn’t seem like the work needing to be done before we leave doesn’t seem to be diminishing at the same rate time is disappearing. It seems like it takes most of our available energy lately just to keep up with the messes that the kids make. Yesterday it seemed like they just went from one activity that generated work for us to another. We need to figure out a way to teach them to pull weight at least to the point that we don’t lose our day just chasing their messes. I am hoping our trailer life helps in this respect in that there should be fewer things to do and we should have better visibility of what the kids are doing at a given time. One of their favorite tricks lately is to go to the floor we are not on and make a mess there. Actually they just make a mess where ever they are it is just that the messes get a chance to get a lot worse when the kids are out of sight.

I am finally getting to what I wanted to put in my journal this morning and that is a lecture for the kids. I want to come up with something simple enough for them to understand but comprehensive enough to cover enough that we can operate with a clear understanding. I’ll give it a try now …

Children, sometimes small people are asked to do big things. Now is one of those times. The things in the world that some people think are the most important are not the most important things after all. Money and power are not the most important things in the world. Having everybody accept and understand you is not the most important thing in the world. Being true to God is the most important thing in the world.

We are going on a great adventure. We are going to have a lot of fun. Mommy and Daddy believe that the trip we are going on is something God wants us to do. The trip is not going to be easy all of the time. Things are not supposed to be easy all the time. We get the strongest when we work the hardest. We want to be strong. We want to be smart. We cannot be strong or smart if we are not willing to do the things it takes to become strong and smart.

I love you children and your mother more than anything else in this world. I am very glad that I get to share my life with you. I am very excited that we are going to get to spend more time together when we go into the trailer.

What mommy and daddy are doing is very scary for grown ups. After daddy leaves on the trip we won’t be getting paid from a company anymore. It is not certain when we will be able to have money. Many people decide not to do what we are doing because they are too scared of the thought of not having money. We think that living a good life and having love in the family is more important than money. Things are going to be hard for mommy and daddy. Mommy and daddy need help from the kids. We are a team. What we are doing is so hard that mommy and daddy can not do everything that needs to be done. Mommy and daddy need the children to help to accomplish the goals of the family. The bigger you are the more you are going to be able to do. The things we need the kids to do are:

Love one another avoiding fighting. We live in a world where there are many bad and ugly things. We want our family to be a good and beautiful thing. The people in our family are our best friends and the best part of ourselves. A fight with someone in the family is a fight against ourselves. Let’s think of lots of nice things to say to each other and lots of nice things to do for each other.

Clean up messes. There is a lot of work that needs to be done every day so that we can have food, cloths and shelter. It even takes work to play. As a team we need to share the work. We all need to do some work that helps everybody and we need to be sure that we do not cause extra work for anybody. If we make a mess it is our responsibility to clean it up. It is not fair that someone else needs to clean up a mess that we make.

Work hard in school. It is everybody’s individual responsibility to learn. We can not learn things for you. The trip we are taking is going to cost a lot of money. The reason we are going to spend so much money is that we believe that you will be able to learn more things if you are able to see more things. It would be very sad if you saw things but didn’t learn because you were not working hard. Of course you will not be able to learn everything all at once and you will not be able to remember everything that you see however if you always work hard to learn things you will be able to learn many things.

Obey mom and dad. What we are doing is not as safe as living in the house. We are going to go to many strange places. At the house you have learned what places are safe and what places are not safe. In the places we are going you do not know these things. Mom and dad are going to work hard to be able to keep you safe. We cannot keep you safe if you do not obey us. Important things for example are when we tell you to come we need you to come. When we tell you to stay in an area you MUST stay in that area.

 

Children we love you so much. We want you to be happy. We work hard to do things that will make you happy. When you are our age we expect that you will be very, very happy that you were able to go on such a neat trip. We think that you are going to be able to have more fun than you have ever had in your whole lives. We are going to go to lots of museums, we are going to go camping, we are going to go rock climbing, we are going to the beach, we are going to Disney Land, we are going to go to the Grand Canyon and we are going to do many more things. We are very, very happy that we can do those things with you. We love you.

--End of Lecture. I think that covered most of what is on my mind but doesn’t quite meet my brevity requirement yet. I might go back and refine it and possibly even video tape it. Sometimes it seems that the kids pay more attention to the TV than me anyway… Something nice about a video tape is that it can control its emotion a bit better and isn’t threatening.

***As an after the fact note I did video tape this leture and it was very effective. The kids would watch the video up to 5 times in a row to delay bed time. They also refer to it often.

December 26, 2007

Wednesday, December 26, 2007 1:52:56 PM

Today has been an off day.  I am not feeling extremely depressed but I am feeling so overwhelmed I can’t seem to get anything done.  I woke up at about 3:30AM and could not get back to sleep.  I think it was from stress of pending work.  I am sure I am overwhelmed with what I feel like I need to get done in the time I feel like I need to get it done.  With that I am also probably feeling sick from all of the chocolate I have been eating.  This morning I was certain I was going to throw up.  By afternoon it has been going away but I still have a bunch of “pukey” burps.  I am feeling very down on myself about how fat I am getting but I haven’t been doing anything about it.  I think I am caught in the “tomorrow” syndrome.   I am at a very frustrating stage with my hernia recovery in as much as that I do not have the capacity to be fully functional but I do have the energy and anxiety of not getting much done.  As we are trying to get the final stages of moving prep done I am feeling especially trapped in my condition.  I am certain that a lot of physical activity would be a big help to my state of mind.

With that said I have been thinking about how difficult it will be to have days like today in the trailer.  The kids have extra energy, I am feeling sick.  Lexie is working to an agenda that isn’t lined up exactly with me or the kids.  I appreciate what Lexie is doing it is just frustrating that I can’t participate in lock step.  We will need strategies to deal with days like this from the trailer.  Letting the kids go out to play in traffic or out in the woods with bears is not an acceptable solution.  One thing I am counting on improving in our situation is that I am hoping that the reduction in overhead will result in fewer days like this where everyone (or at least me) is overwhelmed.  It used to be on Sundays Lexie and I would manage to trade naps and get through the day pretty well that way.  I am hoping we can find something similar to do in the trailer where we get the quiet bunch and the noisy bunch separated for intervals sufficient to get each the reset that they need.

One of the things I have not done yet which I really really want to get done is to get a definition of what the perfect trailer day would be like so that we can start to work toward it.  I still don’t know but these are some ideas to get started on:

• Exercise every day. Everyday because every day is easier to keep track of.  While I am getting started I think I will use rest days for stretching.  I think the exercise needs to be on the order of 45-90 minutes.
• 5-10 hours of work depending on the days agenda
• Simple healthy meals that are cleaned up right after they are eaten.  Meals will be planned such that they stay healthy, economic and interesting to eat.
• Time interacting with the children and helping them develop toward their goals.
• Trailer cleaned at 9AM, 1PM, and 7PM every day.
• Journal and blog entries done every day.  At least one picture per blog entry to improve the photo coverage of our activities.
• Skill development of some kind.  In my case mostly related to meeting goals of attaining skills needed for my development.
• A family activity (size will vary by school schedule)
• Spiritual time for reflection, meditation and prayer

I think those are a pretty good start.  Some weekly items include:

• Planning, meals, activities, lodging, school goals, work goals
• Laundry
• Shopping
• Church
• Big blog update.

December 22, 2007

Saturday, December 22, 2007 4:45:53 AM

I have been putting off my journal more than I have intended.  I guess that shows the difficulty of it or at least the lack of habit on my part.  As I am struggling to gain control of my life and put my greatest efforts toward my greatest desires journaling is an area that is still out of order.  Writing is something that I know can survive my own mortality.  It is also a way I can sort things out and understand and even shape the experience I am having.

I think the happiest lives are the most connected lives, the lives of people who live making a positive impact on other people.  I also think they are the lives of the most empowered people.  I also believe they are the loves of people who do what they love and love what they do.

As I am making this major change in my employment these are the things I am thinking of.  It is very difficult to put money down on the list because I know there is a comfort and a power that comes with money.  There is also of course a powerlessness and an enslavement that comes with its lust.  Right now what I am hoping is that I will be able to rid myself of my stuff and stop spending a greater part of  my life energy in its maintenance but rather free up my time so that I can truly get things in order and gain a greater understanding of life and the things in it.

We watched an incredible documentary last night.  I don’t exactly remember the title off the top of my head but it was something to the effect of “God must have forgotten us”.  I was a little nervous about it at first but I am so glad I watched it.  The documentary told the story of a group of Sudanese boys who were orphaned or separated during the civil war in the late 80’s.  There was a decree from the north to kill of castrate all boys.  If I remember correctly there were 27000 who started on the exodus out of Sudan but only about 12000 who arrived.  I am not sure if the entire difference was casualties but I understood a great number starved to death.  There was an 11 year old who was in charge of taking care of 3 younger than himself.   A program from either the US or UN allowed a certain number of them to come to the United States.  The documentary tracked their progress here.  It was interesting to find that their complaint of the US after having suffered the horrific conditions I described was that the people were too closed and too cold.  Also the life style was too sterile in that one would barely be able to make contact with their best friends in need to meet the demands of the work place.  The documentary also tracked the way that when they first arrived in the US they would send almost every penny home and have money left over but after a while, car payments and phone payments started taking away their ability to have left over money.  By the end however you could see that they were indeed able to keep their reach to their home.

Seeing the documentary steeled some of my thoughts regarding immigration policy.  I am very much in favor of having more open borders even if it means a reduction in my own “quality’ of living.  It is an atrocity of humanity to live in a world where people on one side of a border are killing themselves by eating too much overly abundant food while people on another side of a border are dying for lack of the same food that is glutting the others.

I was a bit both comforted and overwhelmed when I saw how confused and powerless the refugees who came to the US felt when it came to doing something to have a positive impact with respect to the people from their home.  Even with intimate knowledge of the people and the situation they were struggling for answers.  The comfort came from the idea that I am not the only one who doesn’t know.  The overwhelmed feeling came from the idea that I do not understand how to have an impact or even how much of my own resource to apply toward the problem.  It was easy in the documentary to cheer for the people as they struggled to get a college education and build themselves up so that they would be powerful enough to help yet of course it begs the question of “What should I do”.  I have been to college and I do have an education.  I have money that exceeds my needs for survival.  I was happy that I had supported the one laptop for every child program.  I know that even an underpowered computer is plenty to light an eager mind.  I believe that education and empowerment are the ways out of poverty.  I think that places like Sudan lack education and places like the United States lack empowerment.

Even with enough “guts” to do what I am doing as I face my fears I am beginning to understand how great a barrier it is that separates the comfortable life from the mission driven and enabled life.  Even though a great part of what we spend our money on is not for core necessities the thought of parting with some of the comforts is a scary one.  With that another scary thought is the one of actually coming up short in the necessities especially medical necessities.   That is one way education really can make an impact.  A major part of what makes medical things so expensive is the amazing amount of education it requires to treat medical conditions.  As medical education expands the availability of quality medical services should also expand.

December 15, 2007

My hernia operation went well.  I am a bit concerned at how poor I have been about writing in my Journal.  Tomorrow it will be my top priority.