January 12, 2008

Saturday, January 12, 2008 3:16:26 AM

As the days are counting down for our trip I am getting more and more excited about it. It seems like things are really coming together well. Lexie suggested that we start the development with spelling game rather than the math game because so many people had been interested in the spelling game. I like the idea because it allows the first game to focus on the programming aspects of the game without adding the extra difficulty of graphics as well. There will certainly be graphical elements to what is to be done in the spelling game how ever there is enough of a framework to hang things on I do not find the task as intimidating.

I have been doing better at work the last couple of days. Well except for Thursday which I skipped to go to the temple open house in Rexburg. Even though I know that my priorities put my family ahead of work and even though work was a little bit OK with me doing it. It really put me through an incredible amount of stress to not be at work. Thursday was a great example of what I am looking forward to improving in my new work environment. My next employer will not only mildly tolerate that kind of activity but they will actually encourage it. If we were living in the trailer Thursday would have been nothing more than a long lunch from work. Which again long lunches from work with the family are a good thing with my new boss, “me”.

I went over to Naomi's office to have lunch with her. Something that really surprised me about my visit to Naomi’s office was how jealous I got when I saw her office. I was reasonably vocal about it as well. I wasn’t jealous in the way of feeling negative toward Naomi but jealous in the way of “I deserve this or better”, “I have a better paying job”, “I went through a harder program” … I actually have no idea of if the last two are true but that has nothing to do with whether or not I believe them. I think it would be valuable to me if I could dig down and figure out what my complex over my office space was. 

An insite I had about myself is about how poor I accept critisisim. I actually go out of my way to collect criticism and in so doing I delude myself into thinking that I handle it well. However the act of seeking criticism is actually to avoid it. I am amazed at how painful the surprise criticism is or the criticism on a point I am sensitive about. 

Back to the office … When I discussed the office with Lexie she acknowledged that she heard about my office “often” and that indeed it seemed like any chance I got at work the first thing I did was change it. In fact something that makes me feel a bit if not extremely dumb is that after my decision to leave work I was having a lot of trouble with my motivation to work and was feeling a lot of hate about my needing to be in the office. Because I couldn’t seem to concentrate on anything else I started cleaning up my desk. This was therapeutic on its own because it was part of the process of moving. The part that caught me off guard was the next day when I came to work. Coming to a clean desk changed the “I can’t tolerate this” feeling to a “maybe I don’t need to discontinue my work here after all” feeling. The second feeling isn’t true I do need to move on. However it was amazing to me the difference in emotion generated by a less cluttered work area.

I know that I am offended by the whole concept of cubicles. The only reason I can think of that one would outfit an $80-150K/year employee in $2K of real estate is to send the message “you are worthless”. It is done in the name of productivity and collaboration but I believe the productivity gain happens not out of the productive environment generated by the cube but the motivation that is instilled in people to get out of the cube and “earn” an office. Even the offices in the ERC are pathetic with 5 exceptions. Which brings me to my other point of hatred about my office space … Oh actually 6 exceptions, Tim White has a pretty decent cage. The point is that function of the director offices; I believe is more about sending the “I am more important and powerful than you” message than it is about providing an environment in which a director can do meaningful director work. It is easy enough to schedule a conference room that they do not need to have space for a conference table in their office. 

Also I take issue with the fact that most engineers do not have enough room to even hold one full sized white board in their cubes. I have a full sized white board in mine but it takes up an entire wall and I need to stoop to use it. When we first moved into the ERC it was a point of contention between me and the secretary because the initial code called for only small white boards because they looked better. I wouldn’t have a bit of that argument and had my own mini rebellion by putting in a full sized white board. It was comical to see how many people stopped by to admire it. Now I would estimate that 30-50% of the engineers have full sized white boards taking up most of the wall of their cubes. It is so pathetic that it was ever an issue and also pathetic that the engineers are so poorly facilitated. When I was following the newspaper articles about the tiger that escaped in San Francisco to kill a teenage boy I read a lot of the reader responses. A common response was the abhorrence of the way people keep animals in concrete cages, how pathetic the animals look locked up the way they are and how sad it is to see them out of their natural element. That is almost exactly the way I feel when I walk into the ERC.

So what’s my issue? Would I have an issue if I had the big cage? Do I need to feel like I am more important than other people? Do I need to feel like I am special? 

I know that I need to feel like I am special. I don’t know how much I need to feel like I am better than others. Being around weak people really doesn’t give me a boost. Feeling appreciated and respected by people really does.

I imagine that my current quest does have a lot to do with the need to feel special. I get a charge off watching a person determine that I am absolutely crazy. I almost think one person was so convinced they were evaluating the danger of me jumping forward and biting them.

We watched the movie “Knights of the South Bronx” last night. It has a person in it who leaves corporate America after having been laid off for whistle blowing to go back to what he “went to school for”, teaching. The man in the story is very talented at chess and finds that he can use chess as a way to connect with the students. The movie brought back a lot of happy memories of my time on the reservation in the chess club. The movie also highlighted the man’s change as he got in touch with himself and followed his inner dreams. I think I can feel some of the same changes that were highlighted in the movie as I am turning away from trying to meet the demands of what everyone else thinks I should do and trying to turn toward what my heart wants me to do. Fortunately for my comfort level my heart wants me to become a successful entrepreneur with a multimillion dollar corporation which is generally much more profitable than the dream the man in the movie had of becoming a teacher.

So back to my dream … Why multimillion? The multimillion figure I think has two origins, one is to feed the “I’m important” and “I’m special” need, the other is to feed the freedom need. It blows my mind to think about how nice it would be to wake up in the middle of the night with an idea for a new product or program and be able to start allocating abundant resources to implement it. I also know I have a big burn in myself to show that I am not “white trash”. It is almost ironic that I start that quest in a trailer with 4 kids and a pregnant wife. OK it’s a bit beyond ironic. It’s a nice trailer OK!!!! 

I also believe that expansive wealth would add a level of security that I do not currently enjoy. With the responsibility of providing for my family I have greatly suffered from anxiety thinking about what would happen if I lost my job. Being able to provide food, clothing, shelter and medical care for my family is one of my great callings in life. Not having direct control of my ability to provide those things is making me crazy. If I can generate a system that enables those things to be available regardless of how other people are interpreting my performance I believe I will be living a much better life.

Between the freedom factor and the “I’m important” factor I believe the freedom factor is more important to me. At least I believe it is the thing that is healthier to be important. The wonderful thing about the freedom factor is that it is something that can be addressed now. I haven’t ever tried cocaine but I imagine the high is similar to what I feel as I think about what my upcoming life in 2008 will be like as I do what I want, where I want as much as I want. Of course money limitations won’t make it exactly that way but I will have many more of the “Dan’s life” dials available to turn than I do at the present time.

I truly enjoy programming and design work. When I get into a good project I do not want to do anything but continue on the good project. Work has failed to provide me with that experience in quite a while. I believe that by selecting my own work I will be able to spend more of my time in that experience.

January 06, 2008

 Sunday, January 06, 2008 1:28:35 PM 

The Matthews plan to make an offer on our house. We’ll find out Monday exactly how much the offer will be for. They said that they would keep our net about 120K. I am happy with that. The planned close date is Feb. 1st which I am also very happy with but possibly a little stressed in as much as there is not much time between now and then. I expected to have more emotion over getting an offer but I am sure quite a bit of the positive emotion is tempered by the stress of the “to do” list and a lot of the negative emotion is tempered by the excitement to move. I will say that having a big paycheck right before the end of pay checks is going to make things more comfortable. We still run out of money in a blinding hurry but at least we will be able to have a little more time to get an income flowing. I don’t have particular financial goals for 2008 yet. I know one is to be in a situation that I do not need to get a full time job and do not need to stop traveling.

Happiness is more important than wealth. I am really excited for the potential for happiness that our new endeavor brings us. I am not sure exactly how I am going to react to all of the new found freedom. It seems that I will either improve my discipline and productivity or they will slack. Really the truth is that they will likely stay about the same ebbing and flowing like they do now. I know that the motivation to stay “free” is going to help push me into getting the things done that need to be done. I catch myself often telling myself things to the effect of “What kind of person do you want to be?” or “You can succeed on your own if you can’t do X.”.

I know I will need to do a lot of uncomfortable things however in a strange way that is one of the things I am looking forward to. I guess it is a growth opportunity thing. There is a person inside of me that has not yet developed into the person I want him to be. The new flexibility will hopefully allow me to concentrate on that development without all of the distractions that are inherent to a suburban employee lifestyle. The thing that is difficult as I think I have mentioned before is finding the balance between not pushing myself hard enough and pushing myself too hard. I think what I will do is error toward pushing myself too hard and pay close attention to my health. I know when I am running I am a lot better about being able to push myself to do the little things. Like running however I need to find the pace that is challenging but not breaking.

We need to take things one day at a time. I think the first couple of weeks are going to be like the start of a race where it is tempting to sprint at full speed. I know I will get frustrated if I try to get too much done in too little time. One of the frustrations I have now is that it doesn’t seem like I am able to get anything done while I am working because work is draining me so much. I truly believe that after the drain of work leave I will be much happier with my productivity. A big challenge of course will in keeping myself productive toward things that matter.

I need to write a goodbye letter to everyone at work or at least I would like to. I have been putting it off waiting for the perfect writer mood but it isn’t coming. I’ll take a quick crack at it here just the same and as a bit of practice in pushing myself.

Dan’s letter to colleagues:

As many of you have heard I am terminating my employment with AMIS at the end of January 2008. Before I leave I would like to thank everyone for the opportunity I have had to work with you. I have learned so much from each of you.

I have decided to take a position with Mind Jump Software as owner, CEO, CFO, Lead Developer, Chief of Marketing, Secretary and Janitor. The base pay is pathetic but the company has a very generous profit sharing plan that I hope will make up for things. The company is very flexible toward accommodating my life goals and lines up well with all of my personal values at least to the extent which I understand them.

It was a very difficult decision to leave AMIS. I enjoy the work I do as a CAD engineer. I enjoy the people I work with. At this point in my life I got a very strong impression that it was time for me to reach for more and move on. If my life course leads me back toward corporate work AMIS->ON Semiconductor is where I will start my search.

Of the many fears that I have needed to work through in solidifying my decision to venture out into my own business one that I hope to be able to overcome is losing contact with all of the great people I have worked with at AMIS. If anyone finds themselves curious what I am up to they can check my blog page. It is one of my 2008 goals to keep the blog up to date and interesting.

Also for work related items even though my checks from AMIS are scheduled to stop when work stops I would not mind a few e-mails with quick questions if you believe I am holding an answer that could help. Those kind of e-mails can’t be too frequent of course but I would like to do as much as I can to minimize the impact of my loss to AMIS.

END OF LETTER

Hmmmm. I’m not quiet happy with the letter. That’s probably part of the reason that I was putting off writing it. With that said the letter is what I had in my head so maybe at least having it put down on paper will free up my mind to improve it rather that simply keep holding it.

I’m sure part of what I don’t like about the letter is that I don’t have my blog setup yet and I am not sure how to do it and also I know that I don’t have a very good track record as a blogger. In fact I don’t even remember where my blog is!. I also have trouble finding the balance between what to keep personal and what to make public. I don’t think anything I have in my journal now would necessarily be bad public but some of it is relatively private. I also think I do better writing if I am holding the belief that no one will read what I am writing. If not better at least I have more freedom in my writing which makes the function of the writing as a method to generate and understand ideas more effective. I suppose the answer is that this is one of those places where I am going to need to push myself. First write in the journal and then a rewrite out to the blog page. If I leave myself enough time to do it and keep the priority high enough on it then I will be able to do it.

*** As an after note I still haven't written a farewell e-mail to my AMIS collegues. For some reason I have had a mental block against doing it.

 

January 05, 2008

Saturday, January 05, 2008 6:17:24 AM

I did do the video last Sunday.  I was happy with the outcome.  I was surprised how difficult it was to get a good tape but that really validated my reasons for doing it.  If I tape myself, look at it and think I look incoherent then it is easy to think that I look incoherent adlibbing things to the kids.  The other thing that worked well is that in as much as it was on a video media it did seem that I got good attention from the kids.  The kids watched it several times and we were able to have several “do you remember what it said in the letter?” conversations.

I read a little about Tao’ism in a book titled something to the effect of “The Tao of Pooh”.  I was mixed in my reaction to it.  For one I find that a lot of my thinking lines up with Tao’ism in that I believe there are harmonies to be found in the universe.  The idea of an empty mind I find a bit of conflict with because I enjoy analysis so much.  With that said I also believe in revelation and the mind does need a quietness for that.  In fact a major reason I am excited about the opportunity presented by the trip is that I expect it to facilitate more of the quiet time in my life.

 What I don’t know how to do is make the balance between accepting my own nature and striving for progress.  I think the process needs to start with a very frank inspection of myself.  Before I try to do anything in an attempt to change my nature I need to understand it.  With that said the quest to understand my nature will require a little change sort of.  For example writing in my journal this morning rather than jumping in the tub with a comic book felt like a fight against my nature how ever once I finally started it I am feeling really good about doing it and probably am more relaxed than I would be in the tub thinking about all of the things that I am not getting done.  Running falls into the same category as a journal in terms of something that I want to do but seems to be a fight of my nature to get started on.

I really have not found myself to be good at repetitive activities.  Getting more consistency in important matter is something that I hope to be able to achieve in 2008.  With that said I know I harbor an inner fear of a life that is all routine and lacks spontaneity and freedom.  I really want to get as much process as possible out of my day to day life so that I can do what ever I want.  It seems the less time it takes to bath, get dressed, do laundry, clean the house, cook food etc. that it takes the better unless of course that is what I want to be doing.  There is a lot to be said for the joy in life of a long bath or preparing a nice meal.  It just can’t be that life always is involved in those things at expense of other things.

I believe that the mental freedom of not having as many fixed activities or appointments on my schedule will be a great boon to my general productivity.  I know I often put of a journal or exercise because I need to get to work at a certain time or get to sleep so that I can get up a certain time.

I want to find a nice balance between pushing myself hard enough and being easy on myself.  I know I push myself to hard and am too easy on myself all at the same time now.  Something that helps a lot is if I can keep a clear picture of what my goals and priorities are and then just continue to do things to make progress toward them but let the pace take care of itself.

December 30, 2007

Sunday, December 30, 2007 6:26:06 AM

Yesterday was an interesting day. I was able to start the day getting a lot of planning done with respect to my future schedule. I was pretty happy with what I came up with. Like a set of cloths that looks good on the rack I will need to try it on to know if it is as comfortable and nice as it looks. The schedule allocates a default of 38 hours of work a week which I think will be plenty if I am working on the right things. I tried to use what I had learned from uncle Erik about using a 3 day cycle of 1 day administrative, 1 day execution and 1 day recharge. 

It is amazing to me how much does not fit into a week. It is pretty obvious to me looking at the schedule why I am not currently getting to my journal on a regular basis or exercising on a regular basis. I am not sure I will really need an hour nap every day especially after I get exercising on a regular basis but I want to leave the nap in there because it is the kind of thing that will give me a nice buffer to prevent burn out and keep my efficiency up. It may also easily turn into my journaling time although I may also push journaling into morning prep.

Mike Owens came over yesterday to show me the tool blender. It is used for creating 3D images. Blender also has a game engine. I was very impressed with the tool. It left me quite confused because it made it seem tempting to believe that I would be able to develop a 3D game with a lot less effort than I had originally anticipated. It also looked like a nice way to develop graphics. I will admit that I am a little worried about relying on a freeware tool because it seems that a lot of times the freeware tools do not have their seams covered as well as commercial products. I was disappointed to learn that After Effects was not a commercial version of Blender. I was very overwhelmed as I tried to figure out how to do things in After Effects. I also started to wonder about the wisdom of paying $2500 for software when I may be able to get software for free that would do the same thing. The truth is that it doesn’t do the same thing it is just that After Effects is a lot more video focused than 3D object focused. I think Photo Shop has some 3D modeling capability as does illustrator but I don’t think they offer what I saw in blender. With that said there isn’t a reason I can’t use blender in parallel to what I do in other programs. What has me overwhelmed right now is that I feel like I need to have mastery of several programs which I do not. I just need to slow down and accept that it will take me time to learn the software and acquire some new skills that I do not currently have.

Acquiring new skills is a large part of my objective in changing my endeavor however I don’t want to get caught in the trap of always learning and never doing. I think my project schedule will help keep me balanced in this point. I am going to make a learning project which will allow me several hours to get familiar with each program and each concept as well as a couple of learning projects.

Lexie and I have been yelling at the kids way too much lately. I think it is because we are feeling more and more stress as the day to leave gets closer and closer but it doesn’t seem like the work needing to be done before we leave doesn’t seem to be diminishing at the same rate time is disappearing. It seems like it takes most of our available energy lately just to keep up with the messes that the kids make. Yesterday it seemed like they just went from one activity that generated work for us to another. We need to figure out a way to teach them to pull weight at least to the point that we don’t lose our day just chasing their messes. I am hoping our trailer life helps in this respect in that there should be fewer things to do and we should have better visibility of what the kids are doing at a given time. One of their favorite tricks lately is to go to the floor we are not on and make a mess there. Actually they just make a mess where ever they are it is just that the messes get a chance to get a lot worse when the kids are out of sight.

I am finally getting to what I wanted to put in my journal this morning and that is a lecture for the kids. I want to come up with something simple enough for them to understand but comprehensive enough to cover enough that we can operate with a clear understanding. I’ll give it a try now …

Children, sometimes small people are asked to do big things. Now is one of those times. The things in the world that some people think are the most important are not the most important things after all. Money and power are not the most important things in the world. Having everybody accept and understand you is not the most important thing in the world. Being true to God is the most important thing in the world.

We are going on a great adventure. We are going to have a lot of fun. Mommy and Daddy believe that the trip we are going on is something God wants us to do. The trip is not going to be easy all of the time. Things are not supposed to be easy all the time. We get the strongest when we work the hardest. We want to be strong. We want to be smart. We cannot be strong or smart if we are not willing to do the things it takes to become strong and smart.

I love you children and your mother more than anything else in this world. I am very glad that I get to share my life with you. I am very excited that we are going to get to spend more time together when we go into the trailer.

What mommy and daddy are doing is very scary for grown ups. After daddy leaves on the trip we won’t be getting paid from a company anymore. It is not certain when we will be able to have money. Many people decide not to do what we are doing because they are too scared of the thought of not having money. We think that living a good life and having love in the family is more important than money. Things are going to be hard for mommy and daddy. Mommy and daddy need help from the kids. We are a team. What we are doing is so hard that mommy and daddy can not do everything that needs to be done. Mommy and daddy need the children to help to accomplish the goals of the family. The bigger you are the more you are going to be able to do. The things we need the kids to do are:

Love one another avoiding fighting. We live in a world where there are many bad and ugly things. We want our family to be a good and beautiful thing. The people in our family are our best friends and the best part of ourselves. A fight with someone in the family is a fight against ourselves. Let’s think of lots of nice things to say to each other and lots of nice things to do for each other.

Clean up messes. There is a lot of work that needs to be done every day so that we can have food, cloths and shelter. It even takes work to play. As a team we need to share the work. We all need to do some work that helps everybody and we need to be sure that we do not cause extra work for anybody. If we make a mess it is our responsibility to clean it up. It is not fair that someone else needs to clean up a mess that we make.

Work hard in school. It is everybody’s individual responsibility to learn. We can not learn things for you. The trip we are taking is going to cost a lot of money. The reason we are going to spend so much money is that we believe that you will be able to learn more things if you are able to see more things. It would be very sad if you saw things but didn’t learn because you were not working hard. Of course you will not be able to learn everything all at once and you will not be able to remember everything that you see however if you always work hard to learn things you will be able to learn many things.

Obey mom and dad. What we are doing is not as safe as living in the house. We are going to go to many strange places. At the house you have learned what places are safe and what places are not safe. In the places we are going you do not know these things. Mom and dad are going to work hard to be able to keep you safe. We cannot keep you safe if you do not obey us. Important things for example are when we tell you to come we need you to come. When we tell you to stay in an area you MUST stay in that area.

 

Children we love you so much. We want you to be happy. We work hard to do things that will make you happy. When you are our age we expect that you will be very, very happy that you were able to go on such a neat trip. We think that you are going to be able to have more fun than you have ever had in your whole lives. We are going to go to lots of museums, we are going to go camping, we are going to go rock climbing, we are going to the beach, we are going to Disney Land, we are going to go to the Grand Canyon and we are going to do many more things. We are very, very happy that we can do those things with you. We love you.

--End of Lecture. I think that covered most of what is on my mind but doesn’t quite meet my brevity requirement yet. I might go back and refine it and possibly even video tape it. Sometimes it seems that the kids pay more attention to the TV than me anyway… Something nice about a video tape is that it can control its emotion a bit better and isn’t threatening.

***As an after the fact note I did video tape this leture and it was very effective. The kids would watch the video up to 5 times in a row to delay bed time. They also refer to it often.

December 26, 2007

Wednesday, December 26, 2007 1:52:56 PM

Today has been an off day.  I am not feeling extremely depressed but I am feeling so overwhelmed I can’t seem to get anything done.  I woke up at about 3:30AM and could not get back to sleep.  I think it was from stress of pending work.  I am sure I am overwhelmed with what I feel like I need to get done in the time I feel like I need to get it done.  With that I am also probably feeling sick from all of the chocolate I have been eating.  This morning I was certain I was going to throw up.  By afternoon it has been going away but I still have a bunch of “pukey” burps.  I am feeling very down on myself about how fat I am getting but I haven’t been doing anything about it.  I think I am caught in the “tomorrow” syndrome.   I am at a very frustrating stage with my hernia recovery in as much as that I do not have the capacity to be fully functional but I do have the energy and anxiety of not getting much done.  As we are trying to get the final stages of moving prep done I am feeling especially trapped in my condition.  I am certain that a lot of physical activity would be a big help to my state of mind.

With that said I have been thinking about how difficult it will be to have days like today in the trailer.  The kids have extra energy, I am feeling sick.  Lexie is working to an agenda that isn’t lined up exactly with me or the kids.  I appreciate what Lexie is doing it is just frustrating that I can’t participate in lock step.  We will need strategies to deal with days like this from the trailer.  Letting the kids go out to play in traffic or out in the woods with bears is not an acceptable solution.  One thing I am counting on improving in our situation is that I am hoping that the reduction in overhead will result in fewer days like this where everyone (or at least me) is overwhelmed.  It used to be on Sundays Lexie and I would manage to trade naps and get through the day pretty well that way.  I am hoping we can find something similar to do in the trailer where we get the quiet bunch and the noisy bunch separated for intervals sufficient to get each the reset that they need.

One of the things I have not done yet which I really really want to get done is to get a definition of what the perfect trailer day would be like so that we can start to work toward it.  I still don’t know but these are some ideas to get started on:

• Exercise every day. Everyday because every day is easier to keep track of.  While I am getting started I think I will use rest days for stretching.  I think the exercise needs to be on the order of 45-90 minutes.
• 5-10 hours of work depending on the days agenda
• Simple healthy meals that are cleaned up right after they are eaten.  Meals will be planned such that they stay healthy, economic and interesting to eat.
• Time interacting with the children and helping them develop toward their goals.
• Trailer cleaned at 9AM, 1PM, and 7PM every day.
• Journal and blog entries done every day.  At least one picture per blog entry to improve the photo coverage of our activities.
• Skill development of some kind.  In my case mostly related to meeting goals of attaining skills needed for my development.
• A family activity (size will vary by school schedule)
• Spiritual time for reflection, meditation and prayer

I think those are a pretty good start.  Some weekly items include:

• Planning, meals, activities, lodging, school goals, work goals
• Laundry
• Shopping
• Church
• Big blog update.

December 22, 2007

Saturday, December 22, 2007 4:45:53 AM

I have been putting off my journal more than I have intended.  I guess that shows the difficulty of it or at least the lack of habit on my part.  As I am struggling to gain control of my life and put my greatest efforts toward my greatest desires journaling is an area that is still out of order.  Writing is something that I know can survive my own mortality.  It is also a way I can sort things out and understand and even shape the experience I am having.

I think the happiest lives are the most connected lives, the lives of people who live making a positive impact on other people.  I also think they are the lives of the most empowered people.  I also believe they are the loves of people who do what they love and love what they do.

As I am making this major change in my employment these are the things I am thinking of.  It is very difficult to put money down on the list because I know there is a comfort and a power that comes with money.  There is also of course a powerlessness and an enslavement that comes with its lust.  Right now what I am hoping is that I will be able to rid myself of my stuff and stop spending a greater part of  my life energy in its maintenance but rather free up my time so that I can truly get things in order and gain a greater understanding of life and the things in it.

We watched an incredible documentary last night.  I don’t exactly remember the title off the top of my head but it was something to the effect of “God must have forgotten us”.  I was a little nervous about it at first but I am so glad I watched it.  The documentary told the story of a group of Sudanese boys who were orphaned or separated during the civil war in the late 80’s.  There was a decree from the north to kill of castrate all boys.  If I remember correctly there were 27000 who started on the exodus out of Sudan but only about 12000 who arrived.  I am not sure if the entire difference was casualties but I understood a great number starved to death.  There was an 11 year old who was in charge of taking care of 3 younger than himself.   A program from either the US or UN allowed a certain number of them to come to the United States.  The documentary tracked their progress here.  It was interesting to find that their complaint of the US after having suffered the horrific conditions I described was that the people were too closed and too cold.  Also the life style was too sterile in that one would barely be able to make contact with their best friends in need to meet the demands of the work place.  The documentary also tracked the way that when they first arrived in the US they would send almost every penny home and have money left over but after a while, car payments and phone payments started taking away their ability to have left over money.  By the end however you could see that they were indeed able to keep their reach to their home.

Seeing the documentary steeled some of my thoughts regarding immigration policy.  I am very much in favor of having more open borders even if it means a reduction in my own “quality’ of living.  It is an atrocity of humanity to live in a world where people on one side of a border are killing themselves by eating too much overly abundant food while people on another side of a border are dying for lack of the same food that is glutting the others.

I was a bit both comforted and overwhelmed when I saw how confused and powerless the refugees who came to the US felt when it came to doing something to have a positive impact with respect to the people from their home.  Even with intimate knowledge of the people and the situation they were struggling for answers.  The comfort came from the idea that I am not the only one who doesn’t know.  The overwhelmed feeling came from the idea that I do not understand how to have an impact or even how much of my own resource to apply toward the problem.  It was easy in the documentary to cheer for the people as they struggled to get a college education and build themselves up so that they would be powerful enough to help yet of course it begs the question of “What should I do”.  I have been to college and I do have an education.  I have money that exceeds my needs for survival.  I was happy that I had supported the one laptop for every child program.  I know that even an underpowered computer is plenty to light an eager mind.  I believe that education and empowerment are the ways out of poverty.  I think that places like Sudan lack education and places like the United States lack empowerment.

Even with enough “guts” to do what I am doing as I face my fears I am beginning to understand how great a barrier it is that separates the comfortable life from the mission driven and enabled life.  Even though a great part of what we spend our money on is not for core necessities the thought of parting with some of the comforts is a scary one.  With that another scary thought is the one of actually coming up short in the necessities especially medical necessities.   That is one way education really can make an impact.  A major part of what makes medical things so expensive is the amazing amount of education it requires to treat medical conditions.  As medical education expands the availability of quality medical services should also expand.

December 15, 2007

My hernia operation went well.  I am a bit concerned at how poor I have been about writing in my Journal.  Tomorrow it will be my top priority.