January 12, 2008

Saturday, January 12, 2008 3:16:26 AM

As the days are counting down for our trip I am getting more and more excited about it. It seems like things are really coming together well. Lexie suggested that we start the development with spelling game rather than the math game because so many people had been interested in the spelling game. I like the idea because it allows the first game to focus on the programming aspects of the game without adding the extra difficulty of graphics as well. There will certainly be graphical elements to what is to be done in the spelling game how ever there is enough of a framework to hang things on I do not find the task as intimidating.

I have been doing better at work the last couple of days. Well except for Thursday which I skipped to go to the temple open house in Rexburg. Even though I know that my priorities put my family ahead of work and even though work was a little bit OK with me doing it. It really put me through an incredible amount of stress to not be at work. Thursday was a great example of what I am looking forward to improving in my new work environment. My next employer will not only mildly tolerate that kind of activity but they will actually encourage it. If we were living in the trailer Thursday would have been nothing more than a long lunch from work. Which again long lunches from work with the family are a good thing with my new boss, “me”.

I went over to Naomi's office to have lunch with her. Something that really surprised me about my visit to Naomi’s office was how jealous I got when I saw her office. I was reasonably vocal about it as well. I wasn’t jealous in the way of feeling negative toward Naomi but jealous in the way of “I deserve this or better”, “I have a better paying job”, “I went through a harder program” … I actually have no idea of if the last two are true but that has nothing to do with whether or not I believe them. I think it would be valuable to me if I could dig down and figure out what my complex over my office space was. 

An insite I had about myself is about how poor I accept critisisim. I actually go out of my way to collect criticism and in so doing I delude myself into thinking that I handle it well. However the act of seeking criticism is actually to avoid it. I am amazed at how painful the surprise criticism is or the criticism on a point I am sensitive about. 

Back to the office … When I discussed the office with Lexie she acknowledged that she heard about my office “often” and that indeed it seemed like any chance I got at work the first thing I did was change it. In fact something that makes me feel a bit if not extremely dumb is that after my decision to leave work I was having a lot of trouble with my motivation to work and was feeling a lot of hate about my needing to be in the office. Because I couldn’t seem to concentrate on anything else I started cleaning up my desk. This was therapeutic on its own because it was part of the process of moving. The part that caught me off guard was the next day when I came to work. Coming to a clean desk changed the “I can’t tolerate this” feeling to a “maybe I don’t need to discontinue my work here after all” feeling. The second feeling isn’t true I do need to move on. However it was amazing to me the difference in emotion generated by a less cluttered work area.

I know that I am offended by the whole concept of cubicles. The only reason I can think of that one would outfit an $80-150K/year employee in $2K of real estate is to send the message “you are worthless”. It is done in the name of productivity and collaboration but I believe the productivity gain happens not out of the productive environment generated by the cube but the motivation that is instilled in people to get out of the cube and “earn” an office. Even the offices in the ERC are pathetic with 5 exceptions. Which brings me to my other point of hatred about my office space … Oh actually 6 exceptions, Tim White has a pretty decent cage. The point is that function of the director offices; I believe is more about sending the “I am more important and powerful than you” message than it is about providing an environment in which a director can do meaningful director work. It is easy enough to schedule a conference room that they do not need to have space for a conference table in their office. 

Also I take issue with the fact that most engineers do not have enough room to even hold one full sized white board in their cubes. I have a full sized white board in mine but it takes up an entire wall and I need to stoop to use it. When we first moved into the ERC it was a point of contention between me and the secretary because the initial code called for only small white boards because they looked better. I wouldn’t have a bit of that argument and had my own mini rebellion by putting in a full sized white board. It was comical to see how many people stopped by to admire it. Now I would estimate that 30-50% of the engineers have full sized white boards taking up most of the wall of their cubes. It is so pathetic that it was ever an issue and also pathetic that the engineers are so poorly facilitated. When I was following the newspaper articles about the tiger that escaped in San Francisco to kill a teenage boy I read a lot of the reader responses. A common response was the abhorrence of the way people keep animals in concrete cages, how pathetic the animals look locked up the way they are and how sad it is to see them out of their natural element. That is almost exactly the way I feel when I walk into the ERC.

So what’s my issue? Would I have an issue if I had the big cage? Do I need to feel like I am more important than other people? Do I need to feel like I am special? 

I know that I need to feel like I am special. I don’t know how much I need to feel like I am better than others. Being around weak people really doesn’t give me a boost. Feeling appreciated and respected by people really does.

I imagine that my current quest does have a lot to do with the need to feel special. I get a charge off watching a person determine that I am absolutely crazy. I almost think one person was so convinced they were evaluating the danger of me jumping forward and biting them.

We watched the movie “Knights of the South Bronx” last night. It has a person in it who leaves corporate America after having been laid off for whistle blowing to go back to what he “went to school for”, teaching. The man in the story is very talented at chess and finds that he can use chess as a way to connect with the students. The movie brought back a lot of happy memories of my time on the reservation in the chess club. The movie also highlighted the man’s change as he got in touch with himself and followed his inner dreams. I think I can feel some of the same changes that were highlighted in the movie as I am turning away from trying to meet the demands of what everyone else thinks I should do and trying to turn toward what my heart wants me to do. Fortunately for my comfort level my heart wants me to become a successful entrepreneur with a multimillion dollar corporation which is generally much more profitable than the dream the man in the movie had of becoming a teacher.

So back to my dream … Why multimillion? The multimillion figure I think has two origins, one is to feed the “I’m important” and “I’m special” need, the other is to feed the freedom need. It blows my mind to think about how nice it would be to wake up in the middle of the night with an idea for a new product or program and be able to start allocating abundant resources to implement it. I also know I have a big burn in myself to show that I am not “white trash”. It is almost ironic that I start that quest in a trailer with 4 kids and a pregnant wife. OK it’s a bit beyond ironic. It’s a nice trailer OK!!!! 

I also believe that expansive wealth would add a level of security that I do not currently enjoy. With the responsibility of providing for my family I have greatly suffered from anxiety thinking about what would happen if I lost my job. Being able to provide food, clothing, shelter and medical care for my family is one of my great callings in life. Not having direct control of my ability to provide those things is making me crazy. If I can generate a system that enables those things to be available regardless of how other people are interpreting my performance I believe I will be living a much better life.

Between the freedom factor and the “I’m important” factor I believe the freedom factor is more important to me. At least I believe it is the thing that is healthier to be important. The wonderful thing about the freedom factor is that it is something that can be addressed now. I haven’t ever tried cocaine but I imagine the high is similar to what I feel as I think about what my upcoming life in 2008 will be like as I do what I want, where I want as much as I want. Of course money limitations won’t make it exactly that way but I will have many more of the “Dan’s life” dials available to turn than I do at the present time.

I truly enjoy programming and design work. When I get into a good project I do not want to do anything but continue on the good project. Work has failed to provide me with that experience in quite a while. I believe that by selecting my own work I will be able to spend more of my time in that experience.